


Letters from Spencer

by Hezzab



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Letters, M/M, Memories
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-21
Updated: 2014-04-21
Packaged: 2018-01-20 07:29:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1501898
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hezzab/pseuds/Hezzab
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek receives letters Spencer wrote for him each time Spencer came close to death, only this time there was no coming back for Spencer and all Derek has left is these letters.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Letters from Spencer

“What is it Hotch?” Derek asked.  
“I was asked once long ago to give you this, but because of some event I’m not meant to but I know he’ll be glad I didn’t listen.” Was Hotchs only reply. Handing Derek an envelope that say Derek he walked away. Opening the letter he saw it was from who he thought. 

Derek Morgan,  
I guess Hotch gave you this. I’m sorry I left. I’m writing this after everything we went through with Tobias Hankel; I can’t leave and not say anything. I love you. The first time I thing I knew was on our second year of working together. We had to share a room and I couldn’t sleep with the light off, it brought back too many memories, and you couldn’t sleep with it on. After finding this out, although it was almost midnight before we were on our way back from the police station you saw me shaking, worried it was the case getting to me, after all there was already 3 murdered 12 year olds that where already studding at high school. That was when you found out I didn’t like the dark. And instead of laughing at me, an adult afraid of the dark you didn’t you told me that everyone is afraid of something and drove us to the nearest 24hour shop and bought a nightlight. Thank you. I never thought anyone would do something so nice for me. I’m sorry to spring my feelings upon you but I thought that maybe in death I’d have the courage to tell you.  
Reid. 

 

Morgan Derek Morgan  
I’m adding more now, after the case with the cult and what happened in Las Vegas. I’m sorry I worried you. I’m sorry I was reckless. I’m sorry I put myself in danger. I know Hotch was close to giving you but I promised him only to give you it if and only if my death was certain. I didn’t this time, and I hope I don’t for a long time. I hope I can tell you one day before you read it in here about how I feel and I hope you won’t need to read this. I don’t want to tell you, I know you don’t feel the same and it will make things different between us. After everything you’ve been through, after everything in your past I understand why. When I was held at gun point and you takled both the unsub and I, I’m sorry for not saying thank you straight away I should have. And thank you for getting me the help I needed when I was addicted, I didn’t realise saying It would be impossible for him to quit without help would make you get me help. Thank you for staying in Vegas although I dint want you to. It was then I realised that I was in too deep. I can’t keep this up. I can’t speak and tell you but don’t feel guilty I'm glad we were friends. Even if you do dangerous things like drive a ambulance that has a bomb inside to save others, I don’t think I could live without you.  
Thank you, Spencer

Derek,  
Everything with Prentiss has made me think. I don’t want any of our past to catch up with us and not have said anything, and I didn’t, just happened you were intoxicated. Sorry I got upset with you after that, I should have realised you had had too much to drink but I didn’t and I thought you were just trying to act normal because you didn’t feel the same. Although Prentiss is okay and actually not dead I still feel like she is. After everything and to not have been told. I wish that if that was one of us we would have had said something. I don’t mind if this letter gets thrown out or even if you don’t get this far I’m happy I wrote it.  
Sorry I never said this when I was alive, goodbye Spencer.

Derek,  
Everything that’s happened with Maeve it made me realise that if I want something I should take it. I still love you, but I loved Maeve too, just differently. She understood me, not that you don’t, she was able to understand the harder mathematics and chemistry. I’m just so scared and have problems with abandonment issues. First my father, then Gideon, then Prentiss although I’ve forgave her, and now this. Yes I know she died and it wasn’t her fault nor mine but I can’t help but feel that I could have done something more, something to save her. Thank you. After two weeks of suffering myself you got through to me, and although you used a case to lure me out it worked, you distracted me long enough to see who I really cared for. Maeve knew how I felt. And that’s the reason I only really let me touch you. You know about what happened in high school, how young I am, the fact I have a 187 IQ or even that I read 20,000 words per minute you accept in and accept me. You never make me feel as though I need to change you push me too be better, like you did with my gun qualification, although the whistle was a little offending, or when we played softball. You make me better and I only hope I do the same.  
Spencer

Derek,  
I finally told you, well you told me and I admitted I shared these feelings. I never realised you loved me too. I would never have known, I would never have guessed. I didn’t know Garcia knew you loved me and that’s why we sometimes ended up sharing rooms although the budget was fine, but I didn’t want to say anything because it meant more time with you. I never knew how great a relationship is. I’ve never had one. Not probably anyway. With all the fake relationships that happened to me in school I never thought I could trust anyone again, I never thought I could open up with anyone this much. Thank you for being patience with me. No matter how many books I read I will never be prepared for you. Thank you for not dying at work so I could spend this time with you. Love is something I never knew what felt like to have someone give it to you and now it do. Thank you and I will always love you.  
Spencer

Derek,  
I put you through so much and yet we’re still together, it’s been two years, eight months, three weeks, six days, seven hours and fifty four minutes since you asked me to go out with you. I’m writing you this because I know you were scared when I got shot and I almost died. You also ate my jell-o again. But you brought me more thank you. I still think that one day you might find someone better, someone prettier, someone nicer, more experienced than me, someone that isn’t me. I’m waiting for the punchline of a joke that’s yet to come. But these moments I spend with you are the best moments I’ve had.  
Love you Spencer.

Derek,  
Here are some of the reasons I love you:  
• You’re smart  
• You’re funny  
• You’re kind  
• You care about me  
• You give me surprises just to show that you still love me so I stop worring  
• You do things for me no one has before  
• You risk your life for me although I think it’s not worth it  
• You listen when I go on and on about something that you’re not intrested in  
• You never pressure me into doing anything don’t want  
• You want what’s best for me  
• You look after me when I’m sick  
• You watch Doctor Who and Sci-fi with me although you don’t like it  
• You’ll stop and drop anything to help me  
• You stick up for me when no one else will  
• You bring me food when I forget and make sure I eat  
• You’ll sit with me and help me through anything  
• You’re always there  
• You’ll go get me something no matter how small  
I don’t know why I’m still writing these letters to you but I know that one day you might have to read these and I hope that even than I can do for you what you do for me. Thank you and I hope one day I can make it up to you.  
Spencer

Derek,  
you asked me to marry you. I said yes. I didn’t have to think I knew my answer. That was also the first time we had sex. Thank you for not pressuring me, and thank you for taking your time. If I’m never not here I want you to know I love you. I’m sorry I got kidnapped again, but I’m not sorry we saved the teenage boys. I still get scared and think you’ll leave; abandoning me but another part rationalises and says you’ll stay and that parts right. I love you Mr Derek Morgan.  
Forever and always yours.  
Soon-to-be Doctor Spencer Morgan.

Looking up from the letter Derek felt something wet run down his face, he didn’t expect to cry. He had to be there for the rest of the team. Getting married after a five year relationship wasn’t enough, they’d been married another two. Spencer always thought he was the one who was loving more than the other, but in reality Derek loved Spencer more than he could realise. He would never hear Spencer ramble on about fact and get to shut him up with a kiss. He loved kissing Spencer, it was better than any previous person he has been with, and his lips. Derek loved his lips. Derek loved all of Spencer. By now he was probably crying. But he didn’t care he had just lost the man he loved, the man that made him better. And even now in death Spence made him feel better with the words I love you.


End file.
